Over the Easter break I took the opportunity to gain some vital material for my show. As my show is based on my relationships with my family and boyfriend I realised that surrounding myself with these people could put me in a position where I could find the most raw thoughts and feelings. Within their book Creating Solo Performance, Sean Bruno and Luke Dixon stated that ‘your brain is always working. It may be doing some of your best work on your performance when you are least aware of it’ (Bruno and Dixon, 2015, 35). They suggested to ‘keep a notebook by you at all times. A little one that you can slip in a pocket and pull out at a moments notice’ (ibid). Therefore, I did carry a little notebook around with me everywhere I went, writing down things that I overheard, felt, or simply ideas or phrases I thought could be useful. This turned out to be extremely useful and I found myself purposely listening out for things to write down. The following are the notes that I gathered over the Easter break. Most of them are about my family rather than my boyfriend. Many of them do not make sense, and will not be used, however they have influenced my overall thought process considerably.

My Notes

I am like an ember, I could burn out into a little pile of ash, or with a little bit of effort, I could erupt into a spectacular burning inferno.

I am at a literal crossroad in life. I am at the warp and weft of life (sewing threads).

They’ve got this emotional hold on me

The power is at our fingertips, we’ve just got to turn it up

My mum got my sister and I an Easter bunny toy. Ever since we were little she got us a rabbit or chick toy with an Easter egg, and for some reason, even though my sister and I are 18 and 22 now, and have absolutely no desire for this anymore, she still gets us these little toys. It is things like this that make it impossible to “grow up”. My mum still treats us to soft cuddly toys to keep us “her little girls”. A sign that she’s not ready for us to grow up. Grasping at every childhood tradition for as long as she can, which as a mother, I completely understand.

There is a big hole in my life where achievement should be. Where ambition is clambering to get through. A podium where first place is still up for grabs

Over Easter one of my oldest friends broke the news that she is moving to Houston, USA, to start a new life with her boyfriend. Although this broke my heart to know that half the world would now divide us, I cannot deny that it provided emotions that were just what I needed for my show. This is what I wrote about this: While I’m sat in a caravan, in the pouring rain, in the middle of a sheep field, playing our 10th game of rummy of the evening, my friend is grabbing life with both hands and moving to America. She was always the one who cried at sleepovers to go home, the one who wouldn’t go exploring when where were on holiday. I was always the explorative, independent one. How the roles have reversed, how the tables have turned. What have I become?

Everyone will grow up, but never grow apart

Like branches on a tree, we grow in different directions, yet our roots remain as one

Wanting to be part of my family, yet having my own life

I’ve been away at uni for three years and I’ve really established my own lifestyle

I am/was the free sprit of my family

A new start. My “Hawk on a cork”- I have always been restless, I have always had itchy feet, and if you see me at my finest, I have never been quite normal. My mum and I call this my ‘hawk on a cork”. To this day I’m really not sure where this derived from, but it seems to have stuck and has now become the mantra I live by. It symbolises my uniqueness, my craziness, my darn right oddness and spontaneity. It is my hawk on a cork that is driving me towards my dreams, to be explorative, to be confident, to be independent. However my growing pains are proving hard for me to fly away from. It is my love for my family and friends that can sometimes cause this hawk to clip her own wings. However, this hawk will then find a 9 to 5 job, get a mortgage, get a house and fill it with Ikea’s finest cream and beige furniture with pink cushions and bows. Now this hawk was never a fan of the bows, cream and beige, Ikea, and all the things most people desire. This hawk wants reds and oranges, silvers, golds fluorescent greens, a multi-colored wonderland of possibilities. I cherish my relationships, and I love every aspect of every single one of them. However, I’ve realised that to keep my fire stoked, I may have to make the jump. I do not want to abandon a lifetime of love for a spontaneous selfish gut instinct, but sometimes you have to take one step back to go two steps forward.

Work Cited

Bruno, S., Dixon, L. (2015) Creating Solo Performance. Oxfordshire: Routledge.